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Time for a bit of real talk.

Journal Entry: Sat Jul 27, 2013, 2:59 AM


I figure this is as good a time as any to let some of you know a tiny bit about me.

I believe in honesty. I believe in respect. I sincerely think that these two things are probably the most important to partake in and ponder over. Honesty and respect are what build good relationships, even better friendships, and more miscellaneous connections that are pretty mutually beneficial. To me, when someone shows thorough lack of respect or honesty when faced with it, things get a bit silly. Honesty and respect are rooted in communication, and without communication, we fall.

I like to think of myself as an honest and relatively respectful person. We all have flaws, and I'm not an exception to that.

I keep my friends close. I keep them very close, closer than my family. When one of my friends is having problems, I stop what I'm doing, I listen, and I offer my honest, yet respectful, opinions. I don't criticise them harshly, and I don't let outside people sway my judgment or feelings. When we become set on making somebody happy, and it's all we think about doing for a time, we don't normally rest until the job is done.

When people have issues or feelings or other opinions, I think it's very important to listen to them. I think it's possibly one of our greatest tasks as social, sentient animals capable of compassion. I also think that it's very important to be entirely honest. From experience, when communication fails, relations crumble.

When asked or given a legitimate opportunity to say what I think or feel, I will often take that chance... and I won't hold back.

Don't claim to love people that you clearly don't love. When you are not willing to devote as much as your life as possible to them, you probably do not love them. Love is a very intense, uncontrollable feeling that renders you void of logic. It's raw, combined emotion, full of admiration, pride, and obsession, among other things. It's difficult to notice. 

When you to fall for somebody, it's a lot like going for a peaceful walk through nature. It's calm and subtle. It's relaxing. Things are going as planned, with no surprises and no interruptions. It's just you and the wild.

On that walk, you stop to take a look at something; perhaps a flower, a tree, a rock, a gentle little stream. You notice its details. You begin to see beauty. You study things, and sometimes, while you study them, you become attached. It's something you can't live without. You need it. It becomes necessary in order to live a satisfactory life.

Realising that you've fallen for somebody is somewhat of a striking revelation. Do I honestly need this in my life? Why am I even questioning it? I don't think that I can live without it. It's beautiful and confusing. I'm intrigued. What am I feeling? Is this love?

Panic. I've always panicked. Loving people has always been terrifying for me. Attachment? What? No, I do things on my own... right? Nope. Not anymore. I can't. I need this. I want it. I'm scared.

It's a scary thing, getting attached to others after living what can only be described a horrid, torturous life. I've seen rape, neglect, abuse. My life has been threatened countless times, and I've stared death in the face just as much. Past filled with anger, jealousy, fear, pain and suffering, all at the hands of others. Why would I get attached to anybody after that? It defies logic. It defies logic, because it's emotion.

I can't feel and use logic at the same time. One always takes priority, quickly stepping on the other, mashing it into the ground. Opposites. Hot and cold. Pain and pleasure. Life and death. It's difficult to comprehend, love is, but it's worth it. Love is worth fighting for, and working for.

After recent confidence-building, inspiring, developments, I would like to take this opportunity to publicly "come out." I am a lesbian, and I am in love with a woman. She's amazing. Beautiful, intelligent, skilled, mature, reliable, trustworthy, strong, admirable. Perfect. I feel as much as anyone else. It's genuine. It's wonderful. It's me.

Don't be immature. I'm going to feel, whether you want me to or not. You may as well let me. You know who you are.


Add a Comment:
 
:iconnocturnaliss:
nocturnaliss Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Like the previous poster, I just came to thank you for the llama... and then I saw your journal and read it. I find myself a lot in your words. I can relate to your fear of attachment, even though I've probably not suffered as much as you have (or, let's just say, differently). But I've come to the same conclusion: that without honesty and truth, no relationship whatsoever can stand tall and flourish. It's a naked truth - clear as crystal. But it is that necessity for honesty and truth that can be terrifying. The need to feel, to care, to love. The risks, the possibilities, the desire for it.

I've come to believe that love is a great deal more than an irrepressible urge, or an uncontrollable emotion - it is everything. It is fire and peace of heart - it's gratitude, hope, lust and passion. It's everything that makes the world go round, and takes on many names.

This said, I wish you a great deal of happiness with your lover. May she return that love as ardently, and may you both find love and peace in each other's arms.
Reply
:iconlillela:
Lillela Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
Came by to thank you for the llama badge and give one back. Thanks for everything! Saw this post, couldn't.stop.reading.it. Made me all emotional and teary. Happy cry (Tears of joy) Beautifully written and so true. Made my heart happy to read you've found love. Heart I sincerely wish you and your partner the best. Heart Hug
Reply
:iconlaughingvulcan:
laughingvulcan Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow.
This is not in verse, but is almost poetic.

(Hmm...
I want to say more but my brain isn't letting anything out for the moment! 0_0;; )

That said...
Congrats on finding your lady love and also on coming out. I can only speak for myself, but I wish BOTH of you a strong, healthy relationship...and all the happiness life can give... :D
Reply
:icondezenerate:
Dezenerate Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013
:heart:
Reply
:iconsongstress-kyonie:
Songstress-Kyonie Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
Hello, you don't know me (except you gave me a llama), but I read your journal entry in it's entirety. It was full of emotion, considerate, and sweet. And I congratulate you on "coming out." You don't have to know me personally, but if you need support, feel welcome to talk to me. I understand coming out can bring stress, hurt, and even unwanted attention. But follow your heart anyways.
Reply
:iconi-hate-mushroomz:
i-hate-mushroomz Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Following my heart is probably what I do best.

I'm really glad that there are such kind people around. I thought it was rare, but maybe I was mistaken.
Reply
:iconsongstress-kyonie:
Songstress-Kyonie Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
If that is so, then you are all the stronger for it.
There are always people on both ends of the spectrum, kind and cruel, and everywhere in-between. It's easy to get caught in one point of that spectrum, but if you look, you'll find the other side. Or it will find you, as the case may be. Again, you're welcome to note me if you need to vent or anything. Take care. :>
Reply
:iconsamjo27:
samjo27 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013   Writer
Well done for having the strength to do this dear :) I truly am proud of you, it must take a lot to admit to especially on a domain like here, where unfortunately there can sometimes be a culture of abuse of things people don't understand.

I've always believed you to be a strong and wonderful woman and seeing this just proves it to me over again. Stay strong, and I'll try and talk to you soon if I get the chance!
Reply
:iconi-hate-mushroomz:
i-hate-mushroomz Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:giggle:
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:iconnumetalwolf:
NuMetalWolf Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That is brilliant..
Reply
:iconssj4son-goku:
SSJ4Son-Goku Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013
I read this whole thing. I'm very glad you accept who you are, which is something I'm currently struggling with. You are very inspirational. I'm just going through a tough time with a variety of problems, but definitely not a big as what you said you have experienced. And after reading this journal I would fall for you any day. Good luck in the future :)
Reply
:iconphotofroggy:
photofroggy Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
All them feels. <3
Reply
:iconi-hate-mushroomz:
i-hate-mushroomz Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:giggle:
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:iconirism:
Irism Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013
Hmm, despite your previous comments I dare say your pretty spot on when it comes to matters of the heart u.u *nods*
Reply
:iconi-hate-mushroomz:
i-hate-mushroomz Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I tend to be rather cynical. I've experienced a fuck of a lot, but that doesn't mean I have to be bitter all of the time. I've never gotten so much support from people in my life as I am on this journal. Sometimes, people are wonderful.
Reply
:iconirism:
Irism Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013
Well in any case, I'm happy for you man n.n

It takes a lot of guts to pursue what you really want in life, here's to a great life ahead with you and your hubby :iconcheersplz:
Reply
:iconi-hate-mushroomz:
i-hate-mushroomz Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. I sincerely hope that I never have to see her leave. <3
Reply
:iconirism:
Irism Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013
N-never EVER let her go man :eager: www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuhJsk…
Reply
:iconi-hate-mushroomz:
i-hate-mushroomz Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I won't hahah. Not willingly.
Reply
:iconxistormix:
XIStormIX Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013   Digital Artist
I will be wishing you well, my friend.  My oldest daughter is Lesbian.  There is nothing wrong with loving who you love.  There is so little love in the world these days.  I don't care who a person is.  They deserve to get to be themselves without persecution from others.  You are perfect just the way that you are.  If others can't see it, then it's their problem.  You just be you, you have a precious heart that is full of love, and there is nothing wrong with that. 
Reply
:iconthefoxtrot813:
TheFoxtrot813 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013
It is true.1st. Everyone is flawed. No one is perfect. The 2nd thing is love is like a chemical. You mix in two things and random answers will happen. Sometimes the answers end or it last forever. And love made you panic mate? Well I got that too. I just had this fear that the person I love might just leave me. Thats a fear that alot of  people have. This feeling of anxiety and Fear is always there. Hell I even got that. Been with me since High school. Never knew if the person I love might just left me. So mate good Journal entry and remember you're not alone.

P.S Thanks for the Llama
Reply
:iconpeachesandcream0808:
PeachesandCream0808 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
=Abhorrens.....
1ST Of All;~:aww:Want To :DThank You Very Much For Llama Badge:)!
---
":aww:Appreciation Is Gladly Welcome:D!"
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2ND Of All;~:aww:You're Right On 'Everything Said - Here:D!':thumbsup:
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:heart:Support Is Very Reassuring:D!
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:aww:May Your Weekend Be Lucky And Grand:D!:thumbsup:!
---
Seventh Month. Twenty Seventh;~Two-Thousand Thirteen.
Reply
:iconssbbrulez:
SSBBrulez Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
Anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. Listen, lesbians and homosexuals should never be treated as if they're abominations to the world. Anyone is welcome to anywhere. You actually managed to say you were one, whether people discriminated you or not. I would never have the courage to say something like that if I were a homosexual. You have earned practically everyone's respect. Live life to the fullest.
Reply
:iconpersephonekat:
PersephoneKat Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Student
Thank you for the llama. :)
Reply
:iconking-bing-bing:
king-bing-bing Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
Thanks for llama.
It would appear that we think nearly identically.
Only difference is that I tend to be a little too harsh sometimes and you appear to be more intelligent than I.
Sorry for bothering ya with this comment just felt the need to thank ya and revel in the fact that there is another like minded person in the world.

You are indeed a rarity my friend, remember that.  I do apologize, I know it might be a little weird coming from a total stranger. Have a good one mate.
Reply
:icon0choe:
0choe Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Student General Artist

I cant say love is prideful, but it is protective like a lion.

And I agree with all you said about honesty, communication and respect.

I would also like to say (you probably already know this)

that there are/ willbe people that wont accept this, but following with respect you have to accept people who wont accept you.

I'm not saying if someone is surely not going to accept you don't try to become friends (as far as it is up to you) with people who wont even try to understand you and countless others, but just understand them.

But for you to make a journal like this one, you might already understand, so if me adding on to this offends you sorry, I have no intention of doing it to anyone. 

 

good luck with things.

Reply
:iconpirkleations:
Pirkleations Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Love should never have boundaries or restrictions. It should be universal.

Good for you and your soul mate!!

~D
Reply
:iconbreezwayman:
BreezwayMan Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
If you find love then go for it.
If it doesn't work then try again.
As human beings that's all we can do.
Reply
:iconbadxkittyxgoesxrawrz:
BadxKittyxGoesxRawrz Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you sound like a very cool person to has as a friend :)
Reply
:iconredreaper36:
RedReaper36 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
Well, I'm glad you're out and proud, and I wish you and your lover a happy life. I never understood why same sex couples were such a big deal. I mean, if you love someone, does it really matter what gender they are? Also, I appreciate the llama badge you gave me.... even though I don't know why you gave it to me
Reply
:iconfaf13:
faf13 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're right about everything you've discussed there which surprises me some most people are either way too ignorant out naive to see it. This was so beautiful and I'm glad that you're able to finally stand up to everyone in regarding what You believe. I know we're not exactly friends since we haven't talked a lot, but knowing someone like you I'm my life makes me very proud of having a person like that there. I agree with Zero. Your lovely lady, is very lucky. I'm sure you feel the same way. I'm very happy for you sweetheart. (:
Reply
:iconzeropinkelephants:
ZeroPinkElephants Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013  Student General Artist
It's not often such an abstract thought is discussed so clearly and cleanly. Whoever your partner is, she's lucky to have you.
Reply
:iconi-hate-mushroomz:
i-hate-mushroomz Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm just as lucky to have her, if not more.
Reply
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